PUNCH LIFE IN THE FACE™ with the all-new DI-1.22GWEP5K!

Sometimes, during a long, hard day of punching the crap out of alien monsters' faces with your rocket gloves, you get tired. You get exhausted. You can't summon the strength to punch even one more hideous alien face. Let's face it; we've all been there. But don't despair!

Hi! I'm James Daniels of Daniels Industries. Here at Daniels Industries, we feel your pain. We know how stressful a life of alien face punching can be. And that's why we are happy to introduce:

THE DANIELS INDUSTRIES 1.22 GIGAWATTS ENERGY PUMPOTRON 5,000*

        

* Consult your physician before use.

When you need a little boost to get through the day, just slap down the trustworthy DI-1.22GWEP5K. Bask in its radioactive blue 1.22 Gigawatt glow, and POWER YOUR FACE PUNCHING TO THE NEXT LEVEL™! That's right, folks; with the DI-1.22GWEP5K, you can:

1. Punch faces indiscriminately™ without regard to your own personal well-being!**
2. Attract members of the same or opposite sex! ***
3. Increase your stamina at the workplace! ****
4. Gain confidence in your public speaking! *****
5. Lose that excess belly fat -- with no effort, exercise, or dieting whatsoever! ******

So what are you waiting for? Get out there! Get energized! And PUNCH LIFE IN THE FACE™ with your shiny new DI-1.22GWEP5K!

Daniels Industries: We make things.™

** Possibly not a true claim.

*** Daniels Industries claims no responsibility if the DI-1.22GWEP5K destroys your marriage or current monogamous relationship.

**** Results may vary. Not applicable if your workplace is boring.

***** Just kidding; nothing can fix your complete lack of self-esteem.

****** Come on.

WARNING: EXCESSIVE, MODERATE, OR LIGHT USE OF THE DI-1.22GWEP5K MAY CAUSE UNWANTED SIDE EFFECTS SUCH AS BROKEN LIMBS, BLINDNESS, BAD BREATH, AND A SPIRALING DEPRESSION WHICH MAY CAUSE IRREPARABLE HARM TO SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS. NOT RECOMMENDED FOR USE BY PREGNANT WOMEN. TAKE WITH FOOD.